Under the moon and stars

Thursday, August 31, 2006

~ 1:31 AM ~

It's been a long time! =) 31 Aug - T'chers' Day's eve. Happy Teachers' Day! Time is moving so fast, its now 1 day to Sept, 1 week later prelim, 2 more weeks of school, 2 weeks of study break and its the war. Even now I think of it I feel the shiver down my spine.

Perhaps everyone has started to realise that 05s45 as a class is coming to an end soon, the class spirit seems to be stronger these few weeks. Impromtu class outings at causeway point for dinner, for lunch. Last Friday the dinner was great, not the food but the company. We just sit around and talk crap and crap haha. At the moment I've the I love 05s45! feelings.

I'm one who get 'warm' with people slower. I'm one who don't like to talk to 'strangers' (those I'm not so close to). I'm more afraid that I'll say something wrong that might offend them or made a bad impression of myself. I'll also think alot (hu si lun xiang), having quite a low confidence level infront of those I don't know. I'll prefer to observe while others interact. Only when I think I know them better and won't make a fool out of myself then I'll talk a bit more. But then hor, after that I'll start thinkng did I say anything wrong again. =P So its like I really take quite a long time to know that we're really friends and even I made a fool of myself it doesn't matters. Therefore every transition period I think I need a longer time to adapt compared to others. Perhaps its also due to my nostalgic character that I can't let go of the past and move forward, resulting in a longer time to finally release the past and live the present.

P6 to sec1 is the first transition that I can trully remember. A total change of environment and people. P3-P6, 4 years same friends same place, to move on from there is quite hard. At least then I've Yiping in the same class, so at least there's a familiar face. Then I joined ZHSJ due to YP's influence and get to know Crappers. All the trainings made us closer, only then I slowly adapt. Then in class there's also mazi diagonally behind me, yp infront of me, ah bu right at the front, my chair kicker behind me. I think it takes at least 6 months for me to really feel that I fit in somewhere.

Sec2-Sec3 is the easy one. Same school just that some new friends but familiar faces. Friends are just a few class away. Nothing much changes except for during lesson time. Recess, after school its still with crappers. So its a easy transition. Fitting into the class took about 4months, its easier as who and who is someone's else friend, then some we already know each other before. Lolz yar easier but I still need at least 4 months to feel at ease in class.

Then come JC... Surprisingly I'm able to fit in Fedora very easily (Anyway I meet von today! Haha didn't recognise her for a moment though.... then we walk then saw Debbie! Really didn't recognise Debbie. Its like since first 3 months she's gone never see her already! Really brings back quite alot of memories.) and thankfully for Fedora esp. von and ronghui my first 3 months was not that bad. But adapting to 1s14 is hard. I won't be surprise if someone tell me now that I'm suffering from mild depression then. The culture is really very diffrent, from zhss, from pyps. The class is very diverse, there's quite a number of non-chinese, so the 'universal' language is English and I'm not use to conversing in it lar. That makes me quieter. During that period of time I often write my feelings and thoughts down in lectures and tutorials. A bit like those gu pi and zi bi one lar. =P But as said fortunately there's von, rh, jas. =)

Ending of first 3 months when I slowly trying to get use... everything change once again. Alot of things happen. The Mr Ang 'incident' that result in unhappiness among some. Only 6 girls are left, a whole group of new classmates, from 1s14 we become 05s45. 6 girls only of coures we stick. I think if the class is like first 3 months, I won't be able to know Elaine, Karimah that well, cause we somehow quite diffrent in views, and ways we do things. I don't agree with them for quite alot of things but through this 1 and a half years, I realise it doesn't matters. We can be great friends with diffrent views and values, caring for each other, looking out for each other, sticking together, we'll become great friends! Eventually now we have Elaine Mummy =) Aunty Karimah, Spoilt Brat (Bread), Childish kid ( my fellow pw mate =) my dou zui partner, the gal who I can crap in chinese with coz out of the 6 of us 3 are chi 3 are non chi then out of us 3 kim is strong in eng not good in chi so yar...) , then of course there's Maow! ( my 'sleeping' partner haha sounds so wrong don't think slanted lar. We're the 2 who always sleep in lessons =X lolz ) This transition is tough... I took more than 1 year to feel that at ease, and only recently to feel that this is where I can belong. And then... everything is ending soon. Haiz. " shi jian bu deng ren" arh...

I still want to write about my 'chers but late late le its 3 am now! and I'm suppose to reach sch a bit earlier tomorrow! So tomorrow bah... nitez.. ZZZZZZZZZZ

Saturday, August 12, 2006

~ 10:31 AM ~

"An old problem keeps hanging around you like a stubborn stain. It's time to treat it like you would a laundry problem: Get a stain remover and let it soak for a while, then scrub, wash, rinse and repeat if necessary. "

That's the horoscope for aquarius yesterday. Quite true... Yesterday get the trophies for interschool shoot - north zone. Well other people see will think its a sweep cause everyone manage to get at least 1 trophy but for those who know better will knew that its nothing. Its only north zone.

Remember starting of the year I keep telling myself I'm gonna get a trophy this year no matter what. Yep I get 2, 1 gold 1 bronze. But I'm not contented. Haha human nature? Greedy? Perhaps. Cause I know I can do better. First and Second are my teammates, knowing their normal scores and knowing my own scores compared to them during training does not help as well. But they peform much better than me during competition, they deserve it.

Dad mentioned that I'm always like that, can't perform under stress, during competition, during exams. Quite true. But the thing is... I don't really feel stress! I think its the mentality. I want to do my best, till the point I doubt myself. I start wondering am I doing the right thing? Then confidence, morale start dropping. Its like during exam I do the questions... do do do, then suddenly I'll think, "Like wrong leh" then I'll start looking throught my answer and get stuck there watsing time, then I realise I'm wasting time, I'll decide to skip go ahead first. Most of the time I won't be able to go back and continue, so the question will be half done. Then I get back my paper and realise in fact I'm on the right track, if only I continue doing, I'll get the answer eventually.

I know my own weakness, but knowing it is one thing, able to get rid of it is another. I'm trying but its not easy.

My first trophies in shooting. It only marks the start. I want more to come. Each trophy is here to remind me of diffrent things. The individual bronze is to remind me of my weakness, of what I could have achieve more. The gold is here to remind me of others out there who's striving for the top as well, telling me that I've have to work harder to be able to emerge from the rest. Its also here to remind me of what teamwork can do. They are the one who can help you rise to greater heights when you are down there.

Once again I wanna thanks Team Innova, though we're not a very bonded team, it feels good to know there's a team out there with you. I wanna thanks the teacher i/c helping us open the range and appear now and then to give us some encouragement. And last but not least Coach. All the coaches for air pistol esp. The 1st 3 months coach who we didn't really know well, Coach Xinyi, I think. Then Coach Wenwei for the pistolers, and Coach Siew Peng for everything =). Without their coaching Innova Shooting will not be what it is today. We're the pioneers of IJSC!

Thankz Shooting for allowing me to have such a nice memory in IJC. =)

Now... Mug again =X The last countdown to A level... Jiayou! To achieve what we are made to achieve. For our dreams.

Thursday, August 10, 2006

~ 11:59 AM ~

Hey hey! =) National Day Celebration, National Day itself had been fun. But that also means I do no study till now... =X

Anyway this year will be the last National Day Celebration we'll have as a student. At least its well spent. Morning assembly is a simple parade by the ug members. I think I'm suppose to be there but I didn't went for the first meeting so yup. Anyway I did last year le =P. But there's a part of me wanting to be part of it, however I'll shake my head right after that. I'll prefer to be with my class and the tiring rehersals... nonono... haha.

That's last year national parade... =) Though there's lots of rehersal, after the whole thing, think back, its quite fun. =)
After the parade, we're dismiss to have our class activity. For us as usual we have our potluck. Then its photo taking session, then the guys play vball and soccer... This hol is like the last break we can really let go, enjoy ourselves as a class. Though there's teachers' day, its too near to prelim, no one will really have to mood to enjoy it to the fullest.

Great photo! It's obvious its National Day! Everyone's enjoying and someone mentioned it looks like graduation photo. =P

The guys playing vball with Mr Ang. Anyone who miss the ball will have to do pushups, well the photos still with Mast. Wait till I get from him...

Argh! Photos upload halfway can't upload le! Sianz. Anyway after that was the concert. Not bad I'll say. Then its the gals neoprint taking session. And then some arcade playing. Went to mac, suppose to have crapping session, but everyone was abit stone le, so its home sweet home. Oh yar the guys went Wenjie house to play mahjong! I want play lor! Haha. But well...

Went home sleep. Wake up then going to city hall to meet Elaine and the guys. We're going to watch the fireworks. =) Oh well me and Elaine were a bit late so we told the guys to go first then we go meet them... But later when we tried finding them really had a hard hard time. Think till Enhuo a bit piss off. =X Haiz me and Elaine both dunno the way around that area so really like rushing around with no idea where we were going. To make things worse the place where they were had bad bad reception. So have contacting problems as well. Fortunately at the last 10 mins we found them at last. Fireworks were great. But heard that the previous one was better. More photos taking session. Tried to find a place to have a drink after that but everywhere was so crowded that we just went home after that.

Yesterday Nat Day, went to grandma house to watch the parade, to some silly stuff like acting cute singing the songs, and my flag raising ceremony. Then my aunt was saying J8 there's converse sales, so off we go to J8. Wanted to buy shoes but they don't have what I want, bought a jacket instead. At least have something. =P Yup that ended my National Day's Special Entry =P.

These few times GP Exam always have some questions to do with national identity, Singapore culture. Do we have it? I don't know. However I'll say that I see and felt (I think so lar) some national spirit during the last 2 days. Its like after school we went to causeway point, everywhere you turn people are wearing red and white here and there. Its like you'll just know national day is here! Its quite cool lar. But I also know it means nothing, people are just wearing it coz its something other than school u. Then during the firework show, they're playing national day songs. Then at the "highest" point when they're playing "Home", suddenly people all around started singing and its like "wow". Haha but only for that few minutes.

Ok lost that flow of thoughts. So bye. Thinking should I go library. Haiz.

Saturday, August 05, 2006

~ 10:50 AM ~

Hey! This week had been... interesting...=) Haha quite happening arh. Only that this week I've not to been to the library, not even once. =X But at least at home still able to do some work here and there.

There's one huge patch blue-black on my left arm. A mark of my attempted blood donation. Lolz notice I used attempted? Well I go through the whole process as everyone else who donated but I did not manage to donate. =X Well Wednesday is the blood donation drive in our school. Decided to go and play my part. Donating blood is the best service you can provide to others. =) So before mock stats test we worriedly went to the hall and do go through the registeration, a simple check up ( the doc say I've good b.p =) ), then the blood test. Then we realise no time le, maths mock starting so in the end have to go back after test.

Fast Forward...

I'm lying there on the chair. One nurse came over and check my veins, prepare the stuff then walk away. Then quite some time later, another nurse came over, think she assume that I'm being checked, so she just find my vein then "ok giving you painkiller" then its follow by the tube, but when the needle went in for the tube, she go "oh oh..." My vein on the left hand is too thin so the vein burst. Normally they'll realise its too thin and go for the other hand or told you that you can't donate, but think mine they've perhaps overlook. So they gotta take out the needle and its like the blood inside will disperse forming the blue black. They call it decolourise. Then they're like must exercise more so the vein will be bigger. Then I orh... "My left hand injured before so abit weak."

Well though I kena the blue black, well its kinda cool lolz but fading le (though the person say need 2 weeks, I think mine by monday will be gone), I'm glad that I actually attempted to donate lar, then know that blood donation is really not scary. My friends are like "Ok next time class outing we go donate blood!" Yup I hope to try again... next time will be right hand. =) And the nurse is good. =)

I lazy to blog le. Bb peeps!

Friday, August 04, 2006

~ 12:13 AM ~

This week had been a busy week but not blogging bout it now, come back tomorrow for it. =P For now I'm going to talk more about my bad bad studies so if you're kinda sick of it now, you're excuse from continuing. Well warning... the following paragraphs might be quite demoralising.

I've given daddy to sign my pathetic OFF result slip few minutes ago. I thought that it will be horrible, daddy will start scolding and etc. Instead... he just sign. Then when I go out again, he asked me where will I go if I fail my A's? Poly? Retake? I replied I don't want to think about it, i'll just do what I can and see how if I had to consider eventually. I hope it will never happen though. But in actual fact I've been thinking about the question.

I'm afraid. I feel like giving up. I always thought if I mug hard I'll eventually catch up. However things are proven not to be so easy. I studied to what I think not bad for Inorganic chem, I still fail. I thought I'll be able to handle maths stats, but Maths mock stats test I've mess up again. And I think when you've lose your own confidence, you'll start to feel that everyone had lost hope on you. That's what I feel, I felt that the teachers had accepted the fact that I can't make it.

I know I'm not suppose to give up at time like this. Mr Ang had said that for lots of times - not to give up. Well I'm not giving up no matter how much I've wanted to. I've already paid the examination fees, might as well just try my best, try my luck, who knows miracles might actually occurs right. Haha. You know... I feel that I'm like decieving myself, trying to blind myself to the reality. And this time its actually something good. Ironic har.

I can't give up. There's too many people I'll disappoint if I do, even if they've actually prepare for the worst for my results. I won't be able to forgive myself. If I really can't make it.. No no I'm not thinking about it.

Come next March... I know no matter what I'll not cry in school but come home sure will one haha but I hope that it'll be tears of joy and nothing else. I pray hard.