Thursday, December 31, 2009
~ 1:02 AM ~
Today is a better day... after making peace with myself...
let's just let wad's meant to be to be...
just let myself be involve with the other temps for all the crap talk... lol
but its quite sad that this is how we communicate now... need to think it through, need to wonder if the words are wad it seems to be... or there's deeper things in between...
ai... aunty... i think its me lar... not you. 其实been feeling it for sometimes lar... though i noe aunty felt it sometimes... but i think those at the side will have a clearer view... but to me, i accept it la.
there's always those in your life whom you will forgive and trust them no matter wad... those you know you won't be able to stay angry with them for long... they're often those who can make you smile and also make you cry... they're the one who can call you late at night, early in the morning, anytime and you won't be angry with them... these ppl are just special.
some super random thoughts....
though aunty always "argh! don't care le" or said things eg. "change lar, change lar" that seems she really don't care le... but well i just think of wad made her cry on 280909 lol, i noe she cares too... just see how she's worried bout little stuff tt i'm thinking bout too... we're just same same but different... aren't we all are... "are you ok", "must be fair" is enough to make us tear... lol... if only she noes y she cried... if only she noes mine will be out with just more prompts... lol...
okok enough of no start no end randomness... i need my sleep... going to pengz le... good nitez!
Wednesday, December 30, 2009
~ 10:09 AM ~
After run effect... Body emitting heat... Chest pain... Roll around on bed... Mind cont running though I keep telling her to stop...
Just about drifting to sleep... Phone vibrated... I thought tt's my alarm waking me up already. Well time then is about 230 I think... Its a message I've been waiting... But well... Its not the reply I hope for... But a reply that I've expected to receive.. I'm even prepared not to receive anything... But it still hurts to see a finalize reply to confirm it...
I'll live with it though cos I've said I'll learn in my previous entry... I will
Argh knee pain :s
~ 1:19 AM ~
i'm going to live with it... yes its hard but 每个人都该有复原的能力...
I'll respect... if tt's her choice of sasath... sasath is the wish that i've for all my dear ones... and for myself...
like i said when i first came up with S.A.S.A.H... if you have these where ever you are, I'll be glad knowing that you're alright... and happy...
suddenly these just come to me... my videographic memory seems to rewind itself to =X
tt night we said... we'll wait no matter how long she will be gone to learn..., she'll write to us... we'll try to complete the things in the 16 smses together...
like candy said..."can only hold on to those who wants to stay"
till they want to stay and cont' journeying together again...
one day, if we're meant to be like before... we'll be...
sch starts... i noe aunty will slowly disappear again... it will be tough going through the 4th sem alone... but i noe i'll be able to do it...
till the day they'll pull my left and right hand, and we ran towards the finishing line together once again...
perhaps i tried too hard, perhaps i've pushed too much... perhaps its just everything that i do that sux... i dunno... i just want to say sorry my friends if i really did... it doesn't meant to cause stress... it doesn't meant to cause unhappiness... just hoping to keep us together... perhaps this is wad is called 弄巧反作ba... i'll try to be good... no more trying to unify... no more pushing... i'll just see how things go... i still want to trust and believe though i no longer see the road ahead...
Tuesday, December 29, 2009
~ 11:42 PM ~
Finally get myself out to run... ran 4k +-... its been a long time since i ran alone...
been wanting to swim the last few days... but its also been a long time since i swam alone haha...
lol it shouldn't be a barring factor lar lol... just an excuse for me to be lazy... =P
while running thinking of lots of things... i think running is a good time to think things through... coz when water is coming out from the skin... its harder for it to come out from the eyes...
tonight is a good run... i'll say...
just miss having someone running by my side, infront of me, knowing that if i collapse, there'll be someone there...
cool down at the back as usual... and as usual i seems to just came running back in the rain... lol.. 汗水或许掺拌着一些泪水... as i was running i was thinking how we always joke... "disappear? we'll hunt you out..." lol... i dunno.. i can only rely on t.a.b once again...
come 2010... if... should i just let go and be in the shadow... or should i be the hunter..
let go... unless u wipe off our memories bah...
hunter... lol i think we won't dare... unless things happen (i believe not... i trust even though others always say we nv noe...)... if it does happen and i'm told... i know i'll be there no matter wad...
~ 1:03 AM ~
hmm...tt's it? haha my loooong weekend is ending tml... =X how i dread it everyday... then feel sian to go to work again haha...
today finally feels that... hmm i'm not sure how to describe but well... finally get somethings done... able to feel some joy.. the kids make the day a better one... haha...
of coz there's always glimpse of the happy past... walking past serangoon central mac... i remember the day after ndp with the kids there, eating yu pian mi fen... the last time was before our run away to gentings...
after meeting finally went to do up one of the many pending things =S tml shall go see things... see if can work towards clearing another thing... though this one sure won't be done so fast haha...
though today is overall a good day... as compared to the last few days... it also gave me things to ponder again... haiz. lol will roll eyes and telepathy with my prince tonight haha...
something flew past my mind that i wanted to write but its gone... oh well...
neither here nor there...
no more frequent blogging every few hrs (in short - talking to myself online)... lol...
no more off for me! must have R lar... haha...
oh and i think i'm really "..." too much these days... oops again =X even in sms... aunty said, dot so much read sms so depressing... lol. well... it just comes naturally with the mood these days haha... just like how she keeps hai-ing lol.
kk... Shoo to sleep!
Good Nitez!
Sunday, December 27, 2009
~ 10:21 PM ~
RAR! going cock eye looking at those html... zhsj's blog coding too many things that we add and add but nv delete lol =X then the different result on different browser... =S give up for now... lol.
Finally its Sunday night le...
Anyway... today its my prince's 1 yr bday! haha tt's pancake baby eeyore! lol
got him 1 year ago... and he's been in my bed since then... he sleep, rolled eyes with me... telepathy with me... share my sorrow and happiness... see me laugh, see me cry... seen us being crazy... hugs.
haha... soft toys... =) i know i'm not the only crazy one who talk to them... remembered how there's once how the few of us temps brought our soft toys to work during PB days... i brought my lion haha... and we let them 'communicate' lol. then i noe i'm normal =P
~ 2:37 PM ~
lol... just when i'm shutting down the com yest... i realised... oops =X there's an error in my new blog pic. I doubt anyone realised though... don't think many are dropping by these days...
anyway... i forgotten that "There's just one moon and a golden sun" =P I had nights under the moons and stars haha... edited though.. lol.
hmm... come think bout it... its been a long time since i wrote in my diary. Years ago when i just started blogging, I've continued writing coz things blogged and things wrote were diff. I believed that anything up the net can be found, you can even set a pw to it but lol, ppl just search, i bet there will be ways to unlock the pw. Therefore in blog, i think those private things that i blogged about can only be understood by me... and perhaps my close dear ones. sometimes i doubt they'll understand as well... haha... well, as i read back some past entries i can't remember wad i'm talking then as well lol...
diary... things are wrote in details... can write at ease... but well... lazy these days... typing had become an easier way of getting things down... the bad of technology... =X the laziness of hong haha...
~ 3:12 AM ~
this long weekend is messing up my body clock =X lucky... 2 more weeks till end of work... still can P through it with insufficient sleep =X
received the stuff to make xmas presents... yup it arrived late... but i can't figure out how to get the things out =X also dunno will it turns out nice =X if not... hmm... haha i'll see how bah...
tml is going to be another zuo bo day. hate wasting my days like this... where's our happening hols! i've not enjoyed... and its the last hols that aunty is having... 好想无所事事地逛街... but well i'm not one who will go shopping alone =S weird... lol. unless i got some purpose in mind...
just by seeing my blog posts can determine how bo liao i am =X i think wad i've blogged the last few days is more than my entries for the previous months in 2009... haha... erm ya though i'm templates yet to be completed =/
oh and previous posts i'm talking bout tt day... tt day i saw jas. Jas, my primary school best friend... she's just like my sis... just like with them. We can easily sit and talk hours of stuff... everything under the sun. We often lie down on the slide at the playground at night after tuition at aunty mary. Then we'll just talk... sometimes we dunno how to bring somethings across... and we'll just say..."ai u noe lar" then the other one will say "ya la"... I remembered we once said, "When we get older, we go to the beach, the nature somewhere dark, and just lie down to look at the stars"... we both love the stars...
As we get into diff sec sch... we drift apart... well... in class gatherings we still hang out in the same clique but tt's all.. hey no... we keep in contact all the way till sec 2... coz we're still going to aunty mary for tuition! haha... i miss aunty mary too... amazingly fate brings us together again in JC... same OG, just like old time we 2, with ronghui and yvonne become a clique... but well... tt doesn't last too... just 3 mths...
well fast fwd... think last mth... at the train station, jas came up and well think she had to walk pass me, can't ignore so she said hi... its an awkward conversation... empty silence when in the past, silence was not a problem... actually its not the first time we met each other in the station... just that most of the time we just smiled and the train came so we rushed off in different ways... tt day... the train was yet to come... so ya...
I can't help but feel sad... we're once such good friends... when we can threaten each other with secrets... lol.. those days... when we were so young... oh and those catching played in the library lol. they're all just memories now...
Then we're young... didn't really put in the effort to keep the friendship going... even when we get back together in JC... its not like before anymore..
Now, we're no longer young. I hold things close... won't let feeling each others presence become an awkward silence... won't let the staying up late at nights, sleeping late into the mornings, talking bout everything... become just memories... I'll try at least...
不想让我们像是陌生人擦肩而过...
~ 12:57 AM ~
doing bo liao things... stumble upon this blog with lots of nice stories and poems...
Life Is A Gift Never Take It For Granted
Gratefulness is the key to a happy life that we hold in our hands, because if we are not grateful, then no matter how much we have we will not be happy -- because we will always want to have something else or something more.
Happiness is a choice. Happy people understand this, while unhappy people struggle with judging themselves for not being able to easily shift to a happy state of mind. Always remember that you have options in everything you do, think or feel, and that you choose the things that are best for you.
Never take someone for granted, hold each and every person close to your heart because you may wake one morning and realize that you have lost a true diamond while collecting stones. Remember the grass always look greener on the other side of the fence. Never satisfied with what you have in a relationship, you go after what you think is better and you end up with nothing.
Relationships are worth fighting for but sometimes you can’t be the only one fighting. Sometimes people need to fight for you. Sometimes you have to be strong for yourself. You are a good person and you are a good friend and you should realize that whatever is meant to happen will happen whether it is good or bad.
We are all taken for granted once in a while. And sometimes we don't even mind it, if it is done by someone whom we love and is really close to us. But if it is a regular thing that keeps on repeating itself, it surely hurts and irritates. This world is full of people who are complaining about been taken for granted by their bosses, colleagues, spouse, friends, siblings and even by their own children. They hate it, but never really are able to change it.
If observed carefully, one can easily see that these people are nice and decent; in fact at times too nice and decent. They are soft spoken, willing to please, helpful, sincere and hardworking. In general other people like them and even praise them, behind their back. But they some how never manage to get the type of recognition and reward from where it really matters.
Obviously everyone will take you for granted if they develop a feeling that you are stuck with them and you are not going anywhere. So, keep growing. Make continuous improvement in yourself. Develop better attitude, work on your self image. Show the preparedness to move on and see the people's attitude towards yourself change.
My advice to enjoying life and never take it for granted is: to always smile a lot, sing even if it is to yourself, hang around positive people, laughter is good, be active, be creative, give hugs, when feeling down or troubled recite this phrase, “and this too shall pass”, be kind, be grateful.
- Lady G
I nv take the good times i have... the great memories... good friends, family, life for granted... coz i noe life is too unpredictable for us think that things will never change... however treasuring things doesn't make it better when you lose it... sometimes it hurts even more... but even so... its better to 曾经拥有 than 不曾拥有... suddenly i thought of tt day... well i shall break into another post... lol
Saturday, December 26, 2009
~ 8:23 PM ~
Finally finish up the picture to replace the old broken photo...been empty for so long... though i've started doing this pic quite sometimes ago haha...
hard time finding a good night sky... harder time to find the 3 silhouettes... but the harder it is... the better it should be isn't it haha...
Been a long time i did something to my personalize my own blog... last time was my m45 one... sad... lost the picture... =S
=X i'm suppose to doing the zhsj blog though haha... no inspiration ar...
~ 4:33 PM ~
i'm doing something halfway and suddenly something strikes me... we're all very 执著的人... maybe its nothing already... but we're letting our stubborn self stop us from doing things... and eventually everything's gone... just because we're waiting for things to happen...
haha doesn't really makes sense to others i noe lol... but to me myself...
i shall try something ba... too much to lose to be stubborn... hope i'm right...
~ 3:05 PM ~
with my right hand missing... i think i'm holding too tight to the left... so much so that I think i've been a bugger. sorry...
haiz. y these few days seems to pass so slowly... not that i want to fast fwd and be on new year eve though...
i must remember and learn... SASATH... not only TH... some horrible thoughts been passing through my mind. yes i trust myself not to do any. but... thinking of it is enough to make me cringe. but i noe i won't make my family, those who care go through it...
TH... i will try if i really have to one day... for now i still trust and believe... not yet letting go... haha yaya i'm stubborn la...
i want an eraser, duster, liquid paper to erase and remove wadever that is drawn...
Friday, December 25, 2009
~ 4:07 PM ~
Just before sleeping in the wee hrs after blogging... charged my batt flat phone... received late messages in the system... sleep better... =)
in the morning, woke up by messages... I checked back to see tt i'm not half awake previously haha... these days i tend to imagine messages and send messages when half awake =X haha...
For now i don't ask for more... simple things... i trust and believe...
Nothing accomplished today haha... nua nua nua... things to be settled during the weekend ba...
Argh... wad to wear for wedding dinner!!! =S
~ 3:15 AM ~
Christmas' here... finally back home... after traveling almost half of singapore... from Kranji to Yishun, Yishun to AMK, AMK to Pasir Ris and then back home...
ate the not too bad 10 course dinner... see the process of burning the big big house... bring back some of the very long ago memories when we did gong teck for ah gong when i'm about 4. Everything ended bout 2330... Spent the countdown at the back of papa's lorry... haha. Said the usual merry xmas... can't help but feel some irony of it.. haha. guilty to say... send some default sms... but also some from deep deep of my heart... lol.
Went up crocodile (2yi =P) place... their place being the last stop... nua around... play zoey's ds... talking bout how fun ds are in vs mode... yup i noe haha... always feel like getting a ds after playing it =X well think only lar... i'm happy with my psp... lol
On the way back... sitting at the back of the lorry alone... cold wind (damn cold) blowing... listening to mp3 on shuffle mood... i'm often amaze by how shuffled songs suits one's mood then... songs played "Always on my mind -SHE", "We are one - Westlife", "Graduation (Friends Forever) - Vitamin C"... erm can't really rmb the rest... but Graduation did the job haha... oh think there's "auld lang syne" ar.. .doesn't matter... lol..
tml... erm no later in the day... omg its 0330... =X dunno wad time I'll wake up... night time will be another dinner... this time round wedding dinner of a not very close cousin... but well will be able to see my little boys... =) but i foresee wedding will be another thing that will set me thinking... wedding always tends to do that...
Mind can't really think anymore... good... hit the bed and just fall asleep... with no dreams please... its been days with no undisturbed sleep... need it... =X good nitez... and may your christmas be merry~
Thursday, December 24, 2009
~ 7:49 PM ~
at an very interesting place for a christmas eve... at my great grand uncle's one year death anniversary.... its call gong teck 功德... Have a 10 course dinner... He being the late boss of sheng shiong... See the extended extended family on my mum side...
Didn't plan to come... Suppose to meet Aunty... But she going lomantic dinner... With her daddy la :p so well yup... End up here... Thought of staying at home... But I think alone... My mind will go round round round... Better be out with family... How I start to understand somethings... Issit god's way to show me certain things...
I hope... I pray... I wish... Christmas... A time for giving... A forgiving time... Let's embrace it... Can we...? Its not possible to forget... Let's keep it for us to remember and not repeat... To remember the bad and to learn from it... But let's forgive... The greatest gift for others... for oneself...
Wednesday, December 23, 2009
~ 10:11 PM ~
"i doubt it will be a Merry Christmas... is it too much for me to pray and hope for a Happy new year?" haha its meant to be a facebook status... but well... its a merry xmas for many pple out there... no point spoiling their festive mood...
my festive mood sux though... did last min shopping for gifts for colleagues... coz i foresee receiving some presents... so must li shang wang lai... well buying gifts just remind me how i never really like the xmas crowd.... ended up with the most boring gifts after walking around for hrs.... chocolate =S
bought everything back and nv feel like doing anything to it... might just waste all my cards and just give them the chocolate.
end of the year period... xmas... new year its always an emo period for reflection of the whole year... to give thanks, to make plans... its a matter of joyous emo or... emo emo...
I've figured out a trend lol... good and bad end year emo period comes alternately.
06 was good with S45, family... simple joy...
07 was emo... spend with family but mostly its emo one corner by myself...
08... just thinking of it brings smiles... tired... hard work... but its really a festive for giving... with joy... did with passion... with the company...=)
09... like how i start the entry... i doubt it will be a merry xmas... but i pray for a happy new year...
eyes very tired these days... to hold back... to prevent leakage...
face very tired these days... to paste a smile on it while the heart cringe...
Thursday, December 17, 2009
~ 1:07 AM ~
Days passed... things come and go...
Not easy the past few days... and somehow i see a tougher road ahead... I see walls building up all around me...
how I hope to knock down most of them to climb over and ask "wad's wrong?", "are you ok?"
But i noe... these walls are built to keep me out... everyone should have their own privacy... their own thoughts... their own opinions... I'll wait till they build a door and invite me in...
I'm not sure if I'm also building around a wall around myself... but i feel myself walking further and further away... coz sometimes being near brings unhappiness to those around... brings sadness to myself... better move myself away before being shoo off...
if i've build a wall... i think wad's inside... well there will be nothing inside... just me alone... hoping to reach out... calling for help... if i'm really trapped in... I hope i'll learn how to build a door soon... to get out...
will trust and believe really make everything right?
but i noe things happen for a reason... and i choose to believe that god brings us thus far, he won't leave us alone... its just a passing phase to make us stronger than before...
i miss those days...
Wednesday, December 09, 2009
~ 11:48 PM ~
before it starts...
i've already foresee that it might be the last for us going together...
I don't want it to be... tt's y i hope they'll be there... hoping that 1 more time will make them rmb the happy times... the joy we once had...
well i can't be more wrong...
instead of helping... i think it just got worse...
myself included.... can't really be bothered anymore...
i think... its going be the last... at least for now...
need a break... 休息是为了走更长的路...
tt's if we/ i continue walking after tt bah...
I really wonder... wad life will be if these things no longer exist...
I'm curious to take a look... yet I'm afraid... afraid of losing things, i guess...
well... life will just show us the way tt we're suppose to take somehow...
I never doubt I'll brave through this somehow...
just a matter of easy? or hard?
alone? or with those who will stand by me... if any... ?
