no longer know..
and no longer trying to know anymore.

if i meant to know, i'll know it somehow, someway.

things still hurt. but we're only human to feel this way.
因为曾经紧紧地握着过，所以需要时间才能慢慢地放下。
不禁，怀疑... 放下得这么容易， 是否从未紧握过。
but i know its not like tt.
the things done together, and said before, i believe its all from the heart.
just that things had change.
as the saying goes 'You may doubt your friends, but never doubt the friendship' .

time will make everything better. :) 

be happy. be blessed.

even when i want to just randomly blog about something, i don't know what to type.
cause these days what revolves around my mind is the same old things..
though i want to stop, it just keeps coming. becoming part of life.

was sitting at mac yesterday, and somehow it lead to the discussion that we once had. the late night, in the middle of nowhere discussion.. haha. the random discussion.. 讲讲罢了 lol.

yesterday, noticed something. always knew its there, always knew its getting worse. But when i looked closer, i'm shock how bad its becoming.. but.. till now i'm not planning to do anything bout it.. yet.
Till i've the courage ba..

last few days of june.. halfway through 2010.. and all i can say is.. 2010 is a horrible year.


Learn Through Pains

Sometimes we must be hurt in order to grow.
We must fail in order to know.
We must lose in order to gain.
Simply because, some lessons are best learned through pains.
- Pravs World

tonight's the last night of freedom for students..  nursery to jc.
soon it will be mine too. :(

tonight's also the start of freedom for some.. enjoy the start of hols.

tonight's a night that makes no diff for me. 

2606... there's still a nagging feeling that there's something i should remember about this date.. but i can't remember lol.

was in hq in the afternoon when heard loud noises coming from nicoll highway.. familiar noises..
Army vehicles on their way to padang.. haha. another week of 'thinking of ndp 09'.
Army guys stationed along the route.. those wu zhou bo zhou tan zhap hou pple.. all nua-ing there lol.
seeing those vehicle passing.. some photographers stationed along the route as well..
somehow got the urge to shout... ' NDP 09! We make it happen! WOW!' haha.

haiz. its the past le lar.. seeing the ndpeeps photos uploaded for CR2.. goosebumps lol.
remember how we refreshed the websites for updated photos and how i'll save each and everyone out.. lol.
this year they're so efficient.. by tonight uploaded CR2 (which is today's) photos le.. haha.
but tt's the general photos.. not the specifically P&C de..

haha random random post.. 

world seems to be crumbling.. bit by bit..

life's going slow these few days..
enjoy while it last.. soon everything will start again.

timetable's out, course guide's out.
another busy sem... haix.

but well nua-ing too much is also bad for health =/
more headaches, more backaches, and all the other aches.

luckily got out tonight.. go dou dou feng lol.
traveled almost whole of S'pore. just short of being in the east.
haha. 2 lu chi. lack of sense of direction lol. which often got me into 'trouble' haha.
feels good to just meet up and travel randomly.. catch up with each other..
don't need to think and be bothered by anything.. :)

was just clicking, surfing randomly.. and this appeared before me..

Push For Life
http://www.pravsworld.com/content/inspiration/472/push-for-life

When everything seems to go wrong... just Push!
When the job gets you down... just Push!
When people don't react the way you think they should... just Push!
When your money is gone and the bills are due... just Push!
When people just don't understand you... just Push!


PUSH = Pray Until Something Happens.
-Pravs World


sometimes.. don't we really wonder if things really just happen randomly. lol.
P.U.S.H and we'll pull through lots of stuff.

时间, 能把不舍得的... 渐渐变得舍得...
到头来, 还是看我们自己肯不肯...

not been blogging these days..
no heart to blog..
till i remembered something..
gave me an objective.. :)
for.. them, bcxt.

sometimes i just type.. and at the moment, everything seems alright.. but the next day when i look through again.. it doesn't seems to be so alright.. lol. nvm. just abit 'hmm..' tt how i'll type somethings that i'll never say. haha.

june coming to an end.. many things are going to end soon.. soon.. haiz.
lol. i dunno what i've been hai-ing for the whole night. lol.
everything haiz ba. =/

WHY?? a test to see who survive in the end bah. haha. try to kill us and see who emerge as the ghost.. lol.
just imagine.. if there's no .... many things won't happened.. but well, there's ...., so no point imagining.. haha.

should start planning soon.. worried. might not be long.

our brain is a clever thing.. in dreams they sort out thoughts and alert us when the body needs something while we're in deep sleep.

just before i woke up, i was dreaming of desperately finding water, finding 100plus.. in the dream i kept opening the fridge to look for 100plus lol. guess i'm dehydrated haha. didn't really hydrate myself well.. bought h2o original.. ar.. nvm y i bought it. lol anyway.. the point is.. how the brain sends messages across to us is interesting.. just like how ppl tends to wet their bed were that they're urgently in need of toilet.. and if they're unable to get up from that dream, they'll tend to dreamt that they've found a toilet and just pee.
erm.. oh well i'm just getting no where. ah.. forget bout it.

before the 'finding water' dream.. =P brain was working to sort out thoughts.. showed me many snippets from the past..

was being showed the times when we felt the pain in her eyes while others just saw the happiness on the face..  how we felt the ache too.. its the scene in the car..
hmm.. shouldn't she understand more than anyone else how it felt to be ignored, to want to let things be alright.. i once asked "...." aiya nvm dunno what i'm trying to drive at. lol.

also dreamt bout the scene of the first time.. when we hold on together.. reminded me.. tt's when i promised myself that i'll always be there for my friends.. 

haha can't really remember much le.. just remember this 2 scenes.. dreams never happen in order, no matter how realistic it is.. lol. not sure what all these trying to tell me.. dunno.. lol. let time show me what everything is meant to be bah.

tired tired.. i just typed a whole lot of nonsensical stuff lol..
can go back to sleep again le haha.
see what enlightenment i'll receive again...
not feeling alright.. =/

"When you feel like giving up, remember why you held on for so long in the first place." - Pravs World

today.. not a great day..
wrong time of the month.. extra cushioning is bad for cycling =X caused abrasion more than cushioning lol.
didn't wore tights due to tt as well.. lucky no serious abrasion.
hot day.. didn't felt well during the ride.. ache..

good thing there's not much slope around haha.
i worry for 42k once again.. =X even when cycling it felt so long..
the thought of doing it alone scares me. =/

i don't know how to handle the silence.. just let it be.
can count using 1 hand...

not sure if this ride meant anything.. but it does to me.
cos then said will cycle together.. today i lead, i felt that i've failed.
at the start, was cycling to catch up.. when i finally did, realised that i'm leading.. slowed down but never seems to be enough.. perhaps its planned, perhaps its meant to be.
不知是自己多心了，还是就是如此..

First event of the year was OCBC cycle.. its also the weekend when many first took place.. and hope for an eventful year.. haha. can't believe that its just few months ago.. seems so long ago..

说放手了，就不该难过了，上天自有安排吧。 
但心还是有点酸，眼里还是有点湿。
也如他们所说， 我是固执的。  因此，只放是手，还没放弃.

was thinking whether to indulge in the emo mood at home or get out.. Candy helped me made the decision by not answering her phone haha.

Bought my Prince to bath.. haha.
note his tummy looked bigger than usual.. =X
somehow the tummy become bloated after coming in contact with water.. bloated with air and water.. lol.
guess when dry will be alright bah.. haha. smells good now. lol.
nothing to hug tonight though =S haha. became a habit to hug something other than my bolster these days.. so much so that I'm tempted to bring a soft toy to camp haha. though i ended up just hugging my pouch lol. 

clean clean Prince :)

was loading back all the messages and contact back to the phone after formatting.. took a long long time..
hanged the phone many times.. finally done..
as it upload the things one by one.. read through the messages as it appear..
some made me smile.. some brought some sadness.. its all memories.. part of me.. and the bond i had with others..

may tomorrow be a not too bad day..

planes flying pass with the loud vrroooommmmmmmmmmm........ reminded me that today's the start of ndp rehearsals at padang..

1 year ago, this time, we'll be at the floating platform... waiting for the music that signals the start of the parade segment.. off the contingents march up the platform, the trainers will find our way to the stand.. and candy will ask the same question to uncle edmund on our way out.. lol. standing on the viewing stand, we'll wait for the national anthem.. The flag flew over us, being in uniform, we salute. Despite doing the same thing every week, the pride's always there. haha. miss it. and guess every week when i hear the plane flying pass, i'll miss it all over again lol.

argh... phone's dying.
thought that 'reformatting' it will make it better... instead now its getting worse =S
see... its just another bad thing that follows behind the streak these days.. haiz.

when one thing don't go smoothly, the rest behind are most probably bumpy too..

rolled my eyes at the lame reply.. not as if we just asked today.. if we're to just request upwards, I believe our request will be granted. a jibe as we just don't see eye to eye i guess. haha. can't believe it. its just one more reason not to stay too long lol.

personally.. not feeling very well.. tt's y don't feel like insisting bout tml as well..
argh.. wad's aching, ache more.. headache, stomachache.. i not apeng leh..
wad's itching, itch more..
if its last time.. i can just imagine sw naming the various scenerios for me. haha.

should also start writing soon.. though i dunno how to go bout it.. lol.

haiz..
long time never post some meaningful stuff le..

"Sometimes we stand at at life's crossroad,
And view what we think is the END,
But God has a much BIGGER vision
And He tells us it's only a BEND.


For the road goes on and is smoother,
And the pause in the song is a rest,
And the part that's unsung and unfinished
Is the sweetest and richest and best!


So rest, relax and grow stronger,
Let go and let God share your load,
Your work is not finished or ended,
You've just come to a BEND in the road!"

haha crossroad.. before night hike during camp.. when its 2a.m. we started singing...
"2am and the rain is falling
Here we are at the crossroads once again
You're telling me you're so confused
You can't make up your mind
Is this meant to be 
You're asking me"

lol darl started singing it.. and it fitted the situation then esp. when we're having a headache with what to do with the kids.. that song actually often remind me of those days as well.. haix.

"And the pause in the song is a rest, And the part that's unsung and unfinished Is the sweetest and richest and best" - 休息是为了走更长远的路.. haha.
just that we never know if the rest might just be the end..


we once said we'll have a lifetime to create more memories together..
we always said that there will be a next time..
will there? or those memories we have are all we have?



i miss my friends...

i've damn myself once again. what's new.
can i blame it on the day again?

i don't understand.. i really don't..
i'm not even bugging.. just need to know..
or is there some reason for it?
rar.. why am i always trying to explain for them. just like the kids..

日有所思，夜有所梦... had a good dream which eventually ended badly.. and you know, sometimes when we woke up from a nightmare we're relieved that its only a dream? today I woke up, and the first thought was relief.. but it only lasted for a second. cause i realised that its actually happening in reality as well. haiz.

too much time to stone alone yesterday.. time to emo.. haha was just there to ensure everything is ok while they have their home nursing. and the fact its home nursing... hmm. when ended, went down to zone room to take my things, saw others who're there for meeting... awkward. 'Hi', 'Bye'... zao. lol. somehow i got the feeling that we're defeated.. 我们输了... afterall they're the ones who remain together. darn.

Sleeping nuaing day again! haha. not much of such days left.. :(
though things are staring at me to be completed and clear up.. haiz. sian.

think should really go for a check.. seems to be getting bad to worse.. but i'm afraid for the outcome =X
who will i tell, who will be there.. if its really... last time i can tell confidently who they'll be.. now I'm no longer sure..

haha getting very random, jump around the topics, touch and go... well well. Bye for now.

Finally a day of nua-ing :) though there's also many other things to settle... :( sian.

During the 4days 3nights, other than camps there's other things here and there..
ran out on the first night to go see Uncle Edmund's Baby princess... she looks like Uncle Edmund! lol.

went back to camp, heard bout somethings.. hmm. things had changed so much that i get to learn things this way.

well somethings are just meant to be.
if we're meant to know we'll know about it eventually, if its meant to happen, it will happen.
haha just like my phone pouch.. forgetful me often forget where i've placed it.. but it will always come back to me... thankful for that.. coz its not only a pouch..

second night, hiking to ecp.. thought that it will be a 'lots of thoughts' night.. but in the end no time to think so much, rushing for time all the way. seeing how the cadets persevere through the 11k, with 1k or so with a heavy load.. reminded me 42 is coming soon too haha. a bit no link but.. ya. 11k and my ankle hurts... quite afraid for 42.. but well.. will hang in there and complete it. :)

some actions, somethings said, though it just happened randomly, it shows a lot.. ok. i understand.  
through the camp, there's high point, there low point..
but going to the low point frequently had taught me how to get through it quickly.

1 less things, and as school and work starts, things will change again..

will learn to live with what life gives me, and work the best with it. :)
missing though. 

school starting soon.. a tough sem ahead... :(

Finally a day for me to sleep and sleep and sleep tml :)
in a camp, when the campers are tired, the ncos will be more tired, and the officers will be dead tired.

its been a long long time since we slept so little for camp bah.. or perhaps its us getting old and start feeling tired as everyday pass. 4days 3 nights.. officers slept bout 8hrs.. haha my 1 day sleep is even more than that lar. by the last night we're almost totally seh. lol.  and the lack of sleep in fact starts all the way back to the last week, and today was another slavery day that i woke up early again.. 

When one is tired, wad's not really funny becomes funny, what's funny becomes hilarious... despite all the headaches and heartaches, this is one camp that officers are totally self entertained. haha. its a Happening Camp with night cemetery, the spoon, the 'cannot meh', the rice that makes Jones the Camp I/C that makes officers cry haha, the scary ghost incident, water poisoning,, and the list can goes on.... though we realised some are actually not that funny after camp haha. oh... and Coca-Cola were our Redbull, luxury for the camp, caffeine and sugar intake tt's... Ahhhhhh..! haha. 

its been some time since i've felt purposeful, enjoyed myself in camp.. last yr ncoc camp was horrible, training camp last year was.. going through the program.. This time round, its something that we've planned with the kids for the last few months.. its theirs as much as ours.. though, the kids are quite a disappointment, the cadets are hmm.. but guess we've done our part to guide and enforce. through the camp, i believe the cadets had grown in some way.. esp the yr1s. 

will treasure this camp much.. will not know if there'll be anymore...
Argh, eyes closing every few minutes and i'm typing nonsense... haha. sleep first and let me blog tml... Nitez! :)

Emails coming in for all the finalised stuffs.. Counting down to camp.

Soon it'll be over..
though life will be more relax with 1 less thing to headache about, i might not know what to do. haha.
planning things are often like this... grumbling throughout and eventually its still a nice memory.

The more we went through and the longer we stayed, the more we treasure each one that we went through these days.. cos we no longer know when it might be the last. Since we're still there for the one, we shall get the best out of it. :)

Hmm.. last min meetup with the ndp gang. :)
so fast.. we've known the uncles for 1 year!
1 year.. 说长不长， 说短不短... up to everyone to make the effort to keep in touch..

you should know i don't forget such things. just giving the benefit of doubt.
but things had shown me that tt's the fact. its ok bah.

on the train just now.. saw a guy beside me using his phone writing Chinese words.. and he wrote '开心就好' lol.. a sign ya.. kai xin jiu hao :)
my phone SD card is dead. =/ there's lots of things in there.. many many personal stuff..
and i guess.. its another sign.
该消失的总会消失，该拥有的总会回来。

RAR! haix.
just be busy and everything will be alright ya.. lol.

whatever twitches i have.. i can't control.
can only decide how i handle it.
learning. learning. learning.

will cont' to do my part, the rest i can't control.

0606 about 1 month after the 0505, 0505h lol. when everything is still normal.
0606 suppose to be a day to experience a first time thing. guess will be a nua-ing day instead.
no free tshirt too.  lol. haiz.

was clearing stuff from the old laptop before reformatting.. found some forgotten docs, files, including some conversations and pictures.. lol. also found the draft for the xmas gift 2009.. reminded me that its in the cupboard somewhere and i'm supposed to finish by 090810. and something to be done by 2011.. hmm. shall complete the both of them. afterall when i started it, i'm prepared tt things might no longer be the same. 

eyes kept twitching.. hope that everything is alright..

life.. now seems to be so busy with everything, yet so empty with nothing.
what i see and have now, i'm not sure how long more can i rely on it.
what i don't have now, i try not to think about it.
living everyday as it is, treasure what i have now and hope that the next day will be a better day.

with expectations and hopes, disappointments come together with it as a package.
for people, as well as things.. though i always know, but it doesn't help when things occur.

recce for camp today.. just a 12k route and my left feet hurts.. and the fact that we're heading to ECP and walking part of the horror stretch.. just makes me think.
some places just hold some memories that will be hard to replace.. and  ecp held so many.

now its 050610, in 6months time, i'll be back in ecp.
haiz.. other than its Fated, i won't know what else to say.
though i'm prepared for such an outcome, but being shown the possibility changes everything again, and it disappears again throws me back to the starting line of trying to be prepared again.

will fate be kind?

this guy's blog's entry (http://enaikay.blogspot.com/2010/06/sundown-ultra-marathon-2010.html) is... haha wow? motivating? lol  i'm not sure how to describe but i guess those who went through a long dist. run will feel much for it..
read bout the support of friends.. the horror of a 84km route.=/
I salute this guy who came from malaysia, ran sundown ultra marathon 84km with his friend when he don't even have the registration for it.
he's there to accompany his friend, to show his support, to be there throughout the journey, to pass the finishing line together.

alone I'll never be so crazy to take part in an ultra marathon. As a friend, I might be that crazy guy.. if someday they ever turns crazy and ask. haha though i think i might die before the end... just imagine 2x42! OMG! haha. lol though i believe my friends shouldn't be suicidal to ever challenge an Ultra. =X

live a day at a time.. enjoy every happy moment, forget any unhappiness.
do my best and god will do the rest.

Thank God.


a harder sem starting in few weeks time. 

just saw ndp peeps facebook updates...
suddenly remembered the news bout ndp 10 tonight..
how i miss those days...
though every sat we're burnt chao da.. every sat is something we looked forward to..
how each training is a joy.. a day spent with the kids, bestest, and the ndp gang..
how the sirs become Uncle Tay, Uncle Ronnie, Uncle Edmund..
how the others become cute cute chairman, jia pi gu, ahmad the driver... lol.
how every sat started off as a promise... and became a journey i'll remember for life...
how 090809 became a day i'll marked forever..

(h) drum drum drum... (c) drum drum drum.. (h) tetetetetete... (c) tetetetetete... (h) tetetetetete.. (together) tete.. (h) tongtongtong... (x) As we go marching in, with our fellow man...
haha..
i miss...
where will we be this national day... will we?

ARGH!! 3rd June's here.. few more hours haiz.

though I've done the things to be done, ate my salmon.. but am still totally Unprepared :(
was totally grumpy today haha.

hmm... I'm really... buay3 lun4 lar. still sent it yesterday. though... aiya expected.

and today seems to be a day for asking.. well actually just 3 ppl asked.. haha what else can i say? nothing much. lol. some scenes just keep repeating... repeating and repeating. i want the stop button! haix.

some random thing said today also set me thinking.. I guess I'll never be.. perhaps its different.. but well.. for the closeness is different too.. and I'll think its quite a sad thing.. hmm..

once said.. "got so much trust and believe.. it will be alright de.. " shall see in a few hours..
but right now.. i can't help but have a little doubt.. after all I've t.a.b, PnP so much or even more for that too..  yet.. hmm.

but... there's nothing much i can rely on for the results tomorrow..
May I still be strong in believing.. having the strength and faith... to be blessed..
no matter how prepared, i'll never be prepared.

its june! 3 days countdown =S
Argh! the day and date keep appearing in my mind... =/ i nv want to think about it.. =X

A break tml finally.. after few days straight.
shall go eat to be prepared for 3rd june haha.

hmm... i stopped myself today. Cancelled, backspaced. closed that window, page, message.
well well.. should be no er xin death or gl cher bah. lol. hope so ba..  
well i always think shouldn't be lah.. everything should be ok.. ya. should be. 

haha see if i can continue to lun4 or not... lol.