argh! super duper lazy these days.. normally its bad.. and this week.. its horrible.. =/

lazy to do my essay, lazy to get out of bed, lazy to even blog.. =S
no matter how much i sleep, it never seems enough.. argh!
haix.. going through motion in life.. 

hmm.. jumped into a hole once again.. thought i won't.
but well.. i did. and like always, once in, its hard to leave others in there to die..
let's complete the 10th year too.
and like we always say.. want do then don't do it for the sake of doing.. don't go through the motion..
do our part and try to achieve somethings..
though the position in the hole is not really something i wanted, will make the best out of it bah..
we're still having the first row tickets to view, only that we're also part of the show.. 
last year bad memories are still a 阴影.. lol. hope this year won't be a regret like tt..

same mentality.. it might be the last.. so just enjoy it ba :)

September's ending soon.. last quarter of 2010.
seriously 2010 is horrible.. let's faster get over it bah.. haha.
but before tt.. exams coming.. time to start mugging soon.
time to go out and bind notes.. miracles won't happen.
but sunday's coming.. can't be avoided..  need to ask..
lol i've no courage.. (lol then i'll stand 1 corner and cry hehe).
jokes aside.. 真的很讨厌这种感觉.. haiz.

haha i'm getting tired, thoughts are jumping from one topic to another.. hopefully tml the tired lazy bug will get out of me and let me get my work done =/
haiz...................

i miss life being simple and nice..
with them.. with our monthly xingfu.. with our hthtalk, with our nonsense talk..
then i've always thought they'll last forever.. even when we start working and become so busy, we'll meet up for monthly sakae.. cos they always say we will..
but i've come to accept that.. they'll be memories that will always be missed..

had a great Friday and Sat. :)
back to zhonghua.. and not for SJ stuff! lol.
the last time such things happen was years ago when we still went back to find 黄老师to play bball haha.
saw lots of familiar faces.. though for most of them, the familiarity stops there..
we have our own fun though :) haha.
took my first lantern this year.. and learned the new way to have fun with lanterns.. haha.
*whack and run* lol.

Sat was a great hanging out day at the hangout with aunty dear and darldarl :) with a small small celebration for the youngest xiaomei (lol candy will be so happy to see being called xiaomei haha). though QQ ps at the last min, though... ... ..., we had fun doing 'arm exercises', singing and dancing haha.. and then its supper at the usual xiandelai.. haha.
chill, talk, eat.. enjoying the simple things with them.. :)
just us reminded me of..

haha i thought that's many many years ago! and just realised that its only 3 years ago.. but then.. we're onlly 19 then.. ok seeing it like that it seems long ago again.. haha. then we've yet to see the '2' =/ lol.

when darl and me board the cab after xdl, smelt something very familiar..
thought for a moment i knew why.. "Airwick Peach air fresherner".. lol.
i laughed. haha. what's god trying to tell me? lol.

its not a weekend with no flashback moments,  afterall this period last year was filled with so much memories.. how we've stayed up all those nights and work through the days to complete aunty's guestbook with no 艺术天分.. how we've even knew all the shows that were being shown on TV in the middle of the night.. haha. Then the 4days of fun and laughter, celebrating our last 21st.. talking late into the night, sleeping late into the afternoon, 3 in one bed, telepathy with '他，她 and 它' haha. Its been great memories.. :)

but everything, no matter how simple, how great needs effort to maintain, to continue building..
I can only do my best on my part, try to right the wrongs that i've done, continue putting in the efforts.. and then t.a.b, have faith and pray very hard haha. i'm only human..
and remember i'm blessed with memories..

many things occurring and i'm learning..
come to treasure every little things, every time spend.. cos' I'll never know which might be the last..
no longer hope for many many more to come, and just treasure everything that i have right at the moment.. 
learned not to be 执著, accept that somethings are not within my control..
close 2 eyes on things that bring sorrow, open eyes big big on those that bring happiness.. lol.
though sometimes it hurts, smile for the happiness of others around you..
remember that i'm just one of the many.. just because to me they're so important, doesn't mean that i am..
这样日子比较快乐，好过.. life's easier this way.. haha.

yesterday i've a dream.. and its so real..
in the dream, things were the same..
someone was telling me somethings but the main thing said was.. 'She is my friend, not was my friend. 'Is' cos she always will be'
though aunty always says that dreams that can be remembered never come true.. but i also always disagree..  cos sometimes there's things that happen that was so similar..
anyway.. i still woke up feeling glad..and hope that.. indeed its so.. even though it won't changes anything, but 还是安慰...

omg very tired and i haven finish my part for the grp proj =/ gonna skip sunday's parts for now..
well just that i seriously needs to be more decisive! its not only making others pissed.. i'm getting irritated too =S i'm like suffering from the illness that Brandon in the Channel U 10pm laywer show previously had.. haha. horrible.. =/

argh.. proj + morning lesson + proj again.. haiz.
seeing that the last post being made late was filled with errors.. guess this time round won't be much better too haha.

Another good run tonight :)
was feeling tired and nearly talk myself out of it.. but well.. once manage to get out of the house, the rest will come naturally. lol.
hopefully i won't get lazy again haha.

though after running.. the ache always worry me..
the other one is getting very obvious too.. getting worse too..
now i can still say.."oh ya.. not sure", if i check it out.. i might have to lie..
走一步，看一步... just hope i don't drop off the cliff too soon..
haha.

tomorrow will be another project day =/
but evening hopefully will be a great day in zhss.. seems that lots of pple will be back.. haha.

can't remember wad's the things i wanted to post yesterday.. haha. nvm.
good nitez~

“Memories are meant to fade. They’re designed that way for a reason.”
- Strange Days

but but.. whoever said that didn't know.. the heart always remembers.. haha. someone always says.. guess its copyrighted lol but it just comes to my mind when i saw this quote..
and i've learn tt indeed..

220910..中秋节快乐!
yup mid autum today.. but its just like any other day..
long gone those times when we'll meet up in the park and play with candles and lanterns.. often being the last few to leave..
those days when we'll meet up with the family the weekend before mid autumn to have our picnic feast..
as we grow up we no longer do that anymore..
i wonder does kids these days still do that anyway.. guess the tradition's slowly dying..

中秋节，月圆， 人团圆..
not with family.. not with friends.. haiz. a normal normal day..

oh well i got my day of no lessons and stay home and nau though haha.
pack my stuff from the war zone room as usual after the projects..
tml will be a long long day.. 3 lessons in a day! hopefully i'll be able to stay awake haha.

hmm.. tired.. guess will stop here and post the more meaningful stuff i wanted to post tml ba.. need sleep now.. nights :)

The last week been a long week..
(and this is going to be a long entry...)

while the last month projects was horrible and i wonder how i get through everyday.. this time round was a different thing totally.

For the first few days how i tried to get something out of the books, journals, articles, my essay window was still blank.. on Friday, i gave up. something snapped somewhere.. i just gave up.
can't figure out what happen myself..
so many things in life, no matter how tough i hanged in there, yes.. many times i said "Argh! want give up le" but still continue with it.. yes many times i'm slow, but i kept going..
something just went wrong this time round..

tt night, stared blankly at the screen and wonder bout lots of things..
stood at the window and pray for the scary thoughts to go away..
my scary thoughts always frighten me too..
itch and pains add on to the thoughts flying around..

i've even took out something i've hang up for support..
even hugging myPrince and myKing-mini don't help..

tt night i took the coward way.. i ran away from everything and hide under my blanket..
Normally i ran away from responsibility before I got it.. don't remember that i ever ran away from one that i already have and hide.. but actually giving up don't feel good.. in fact it sux.. its the feeling of failure.. and to make it worse you're the one who chose it.
tt night i failed horribly.

tt night was 170910..
its a night i'll like to stay up and not sleep.. but not at home.. not alone..
tt night was meant to be the 3rd cyclohunt.. haha. not that i've ever thought we'll be going this year though..
but well.. when i send the email.. i did hope.. just a little bit. lol.
doesn't matter. haix.
its just one of the things that we didn't manage to do together the third time..

180910.. happily went out like my world didn't tumble.. like nothing else matters..
enjoyed myself though :) its been so long the last time we've played arcade!
hmm.. i can't even remember when.. not the last hols.. don't think its the last last hols as well.. oh! i think its cny period with the tigger.. ah.. then went play bball.. yup tt time.. haha. i just need to recall things =/
anyway.. aunty caught herself 3 toys.. haha. i think the whole marina knew tt lol. those happy times catching toys toys.. i miss..

same day.. went to see lishi zhenwei POP lo! haha. those who i brought to buy uniform 5 years ago?
time for us to retire soon le.. haha.
was at neesoon camp.. no ndp memories though.. different parade square..
got other memories though.. hmm. though things have been proven over and over again.. i'll still say i'll t.a.b
yes i'm an idiot who don't learn my lesson.. perhaps its not impt if i t.a.b in the first place..
i'll still be there no matter what. but hopefully i've really learn my lesson that i need to speak up..
ai.. very off topic. nvm.

so after a day of heck care.. bought milk tea.. pick myself up.. told myself to cut all the crap and continue with the shit and just get over it.. no more nonsense. and i noe.. i've might have huge consequences to pay.. I can only hope and pray.. tt night i said.. "PnP to keep going.. to continue moving on long after i thought i can't.. for everything in life. dgmibb".. I hope so..

190910, 200910
don't remember much.. just struggled through and got over it.. hope that things won't be too bad.. hope its a consequence that i can still bear with..

these 2 dates..
its the date of cyclohunt 2009. :)
after cycling went to aunty place and camp on her floor as usual..
and off we went to JB together~
ok there's other stuff in between..
its a day i could still remember it so clearly.. its just like a video playing..
tt's also the day my hard disk crashed.
i'm crushed. remember being horrible.. and how i thought she's pissed..
but thank god i managed to retrieve quite a lot stuff back.. though some were lost..
and i was told.. "wat's meant to be will be.. learn from it.. stay strong.. almighty will bless us in one way or another.." some water dropped then.. haha.
i need the same advice right now.. stay strong and will be bless..
but this time round i'll be the one who will tell myself that..

200910 night time went to settle remaining responsibilities..
not very sure of myself what's the stand i'm having right now..
no more joy.. but to see them getting worse don't feel good too.. hmm.
but then.. i'm just a river. i dunno.. walk and see ba..

210910
finally a day to take a bit of break.. no lessons.. but project in the afternoon.. and i see lots of proj meetings ahead :( haiz.

ok let's cont' 2209 on a new post haha.

力不从心
and miraculously i wanted to do it.. just that my brain really really dunno how to do... :(
and the amazing thing is that I've attended almost all of OT's lectures..
i've been staring at the screen for 1 week and i'm still unsure what theories should i be using..
argh. wtf.

bad. bad. bad.
this sums up everything.

sometimes.. life always has its own amazing way to show us things..
things that we might be better not knowing..
but i guess if we're meant to know, we'll get to know somehow.
though i'm making some assumptions.. they're mostly right haha. =/


虽然一向来都知道，但每当看到 '新事件' 时， 还是感叹..

你们开心就好 :)

withdrawing from others..
becoming anti social =/
esp. from those whom i don't really know.. and those who don't really know me..
no strength to put on a smile.. to make friendly talk..
haiz. i miss talking bout anything and everything..

i don't understand wth theories i'm reading.. how am i going to write an analysis essay using these theories and concepts!?! haiz.
horrible days ahead alert.. =/

I wanted be there.. but I know it wouldn't make a difference, cos' you don't want things to be..
therefore i chose not to..
yet i'm guilty for not being there, for not insisting to myself.. 

12th of the month. few days after the 7th..
i somehow felt that its the day when decisions are made..
the day that i knew things were indeed bad.. and everything's going to change once again..

7 years ago, there's 12th Jan.. which i always remembered as my 'birthday present' 1 month early..
i'll now remember another 'birthday present' 7 years later.. just that this time round its 3 months late..
haha.

i can tell myself for hundred, thousands time that it won't hurt, i won't be affected anymore..
but deep inside i knew the truth.. they'll always be special.. they'll always matters no matter what..
just that i've learnt that somethings are just meant to be.. will just leave it to the Almighty..
i've did my best to change things.. now its up to God to do the rest..

anyway.. today went out study.. very very long never do such things le.. been alone these days..
the familiarity of today's routine gave me some goosebumps moments haha.
but i think i've learnt to deal with these quite well le.. haha.
afterall practice makes perfect ya. :)


found another 'bo liao' things to do these few days.. =/ haha..
actually got the account few months back.. but seldom use..
tt day saw qq tumblr-ing and went to see see again..
this time round i realise it's indeed quite addictive.. haha.
reblogging all the things.. see nice pictures and words that i felt for and combine them into my own place.. haha.
- http://bluez-daze.tumblr.com/

won't replace my current blog though..
coz here's my private little space.. where my darker sides hide..
blogging things that only i and perhaps those dear ones who will understand..
bluez-daze.. on the other hand will be a place to share random stuff.. on things in general.. mostly from other ppl's tumblrs..  :)
so.. 2 different blogs, different stuff..

but well.. main thing now will be assignment assignment assignment! argh!

in few hrs time.. have agrmf.. hopefully ykahwbg ya.. tc after tt k..
haiz.. haha.

Little pieces of you get chipped away by another person, and you shave little pieces of yourself away so that you’ll fit together, then one day you look up and you don’t even know who you are.
- Grey’s Anatomy


We’re friends, real friends, and that means no matter how long it takes, when you finally decide to look back, I’ll be here.
- Grey’s Anatomy

I'll find back the good little pieces that were being shaved off.. and leave the bad little pieces you all helped me to shave off away from me..

But no matter who I am, I'll always be there whenever you all decide to look back..
you all know that i will..

went to the zoo zoo zoo~ today with a good good weather..
the last time we're there was ZAP 3 years ago!
when lishi's batch was the kids haha. when we were just us.
today.. just enjoy the simplicity of life..

haha. others do see, feel, know more things that I gave them credit for..
but there's somethings are just meant to be kept..

today in zoo seeing Jayvier having fun.. I missed my little boy too. haha.
Long time never see HanJie and HongRui le.. hehe.. missed them.

After a day of relaxing..
Next week will be another week of chionging indv. assignment and group proj meetup =/
jiayou ba~! hope still can keep on to my planned runs..

maybe i've built my walls too high.. pple just can't climb in..
not that things are much better.. just that i've learnt what to do to be better..

another one tonight..
let's see by the end of the month if i'll cover the same distance or more..

been wanting to share this facebook note from my friend, xf, the guy who just went through the heart surgery..

"Something struck me when I was talking to my surgeon this morning:
"Same condition, same procedure, everything went right for you, and everything went wrong for him." It made me realized how fortunate I am, how lucky I am to actually even survive this. They took my whole heart out, put it back in and restarted it, left my chest open for 3 days and that serious allergy reaction that even my doctor have never seen before. And I survived.
.
.
.
I'm the 63rd patient that recovered in ICU ward 43A room 4. I hope there'll be tens and hundreds more. And my friends, waking up everyday might be a chore right now, but at least, it means that you live another day, and see the sunlight again. You get to breathe, smell and touch. And when you feel like everything else is against you, remember, life is beautiful. It really is."

don't that just show the theory of what's meant to be will be, 会死就是会死?
xf's blessed to continue living in his words 'at least another 10 years of great life'
if it me.. will everything goes right? or everything will go wrong? idk.. and don't have the courage to go find out. at least not yet.

7th of the month again. the fourth one. hmm. tt's all i'm going to say.
most of the things on my mind right now had been written in this blog before.
let's not repeat it. lol.

Don't let someone become a priority in your life,
when you are just an option in their life...
- Pravs World 

but..
"A friend is a hand that is always holding yours, no matter how close or far apart you may be. A friend is someone who is always there and will always, always care. A friend is a feeling of forever in the heart."
so.. no one's a priority.. no one's an option.. they're a feeling of forever in the heart.. :)
lol.

something that's close to heart..
though many of those quotes have been seen before..
many of those i always say.. 


As I walk through life
http://www.indianchild.com/as_i_walk_through_life.htm


As I Walk Through Life ....


I've learned-
that you can do something in an instant
that will give you heartache for life.


I've learned-
that you should always leave loved ones with loving words.
It may be the last time you see them.


I've learned-
that you can keep going long after you can't.


I've learned-
that we are responsible for what we do,
no matter how we feel.


I've learned-
that either you control your attitude 
or it controls you.


I've learned-
that money is a lousy way of keeping score.


I've learned-
that my best friend and I can do anything
or nothing and have the best time.


I've learned-
that sometimes when I'm angry
I have the right to be angry, 
but that doesn't give me 
the right to be cruel.


I've learned-
that just because someone doesn't love you the
way you want them to doesn't mean they
don't love you with all they have.


I've learned-
that no matter how good a friend is,
they're going to hurt you every once in a while 
and you must forgive them for that.


I've learned-
that it isn't always enough to be forgiven by others,
Sometimes you have to learn
to forgive yourself.


I've learned-
that just because two people argue, 
it doesn't mean they don't love each other.


I've learned-
that two people can look at the exact same thing
and see something totally different.

being a good sis, went to get tauhuay for my bro tonight.. (haha if he saw this he'll scream "you want to eat one lor!" =P) anyway.. decided to have a short jog by going from the longer route..

its been sooooooooo long.. been giving myself excuses eg. projects and stuff..
by just a short jog, can feel that really need to start running again le..
left foot was bad.. guess it will be a permanent problem that i just need to get use to bah..
the other parts were not tt well too..
more reasons to start working out i guess...
since exerciseing is supposed to make one healthier isn't it :P
as i came back to see my logs.. its been 2 months since last exercise.. time to get started :)
afterall, others been running consistently.. still not so far ahead.. hope i still can still keep them in sight bah.. haha.

on the way back.. thought about lots of things..
i can't get why care enough to update, to know, but not sufficient to just talk.
i still don't really understand.. i still hope to explain..
guess i don't like the 死了都不知道发生什么事的 feeling ba..
i always thought i'll still love things to be like..
but just now i realise that i'm no longer sure what i'll want anymore..
afterall the road infront of me is uncertain as well..
this realisation was quite a surprise to myself haha.
perhaps almighty up there knew that all along, that's why he has not done anything..
but i also realise.. i most prob will never have a decision made.. lol.
don't really matter, as i always say "what's meant to be will be" haha.

as i sort my thoughts and deal with one on the way back..
i came home and saw something that seems to be reminding me that the other might also be far away soon.. been feeling the distance grow..
now there's others who play a better part than i do.. time for me to slowly fade away.. :)

perhaps all these are god's ways of telling me.. "time's up".
perhaps.. perhaps.. till the day that i have the courage to go check it out..

guessed tt..
not that it makes much differences though.
take care. 

another test down.. and with every test and assignments done, we're moving nearer to the final exams.. =/

test today was ok.. much better than expected though not sure how i'll score.. lol.
studying for finance always made me remember 2 sems ago.. the day before business finance.. studied through the night at mac, the only time studied throughout with both i think.. tt night was a tough night with finance being totally foreign to me.. but them being there for me was a big comfort..
last sem studying for investment reminded me of tt too.. though then there's presences.
yesterday.. trying to squeeze as much info into my brain alone was horrible..
today was the first test of this sem.. short of the usual message..

can't remember what i wanted to blog about anymore.. haha. doesn't really matter.
tonight i once again come to realise some things.. nothing much matters anymore. some things are just a matter of fact.
let's just live in the present.

OMG! i just saw a super duper big lizard in my room.. and i'm not sure where it is anymore! =/
having goosebumps.. i'm going to have problem sleeping tonight =X

can someone just take a gun and shoot me?!
this sem is killing me anyway. haiz.
and i'm not helping myself.. :(

sent.
不要抱着希望，就不会有失望..
though i want.. i think the rest might not want..
and i guess the other who wants.. but maybe just not with us..
but well.. i'm not god.. i dunno lol.
argh.. '希望' pls stay away from me! =X
因为我不够坚强...

haiz. today is quite a crap day..

woke up early early today for my first presentation since... PW in J2? lol
the normal presentation done in SJ not counted lar..

end up can't find my keys.. slightly running late.. and thinking that everyone's going to be early, took a cab with no choice..
took a very expensive cab! uncle went zig zag before heading the right direction, which later on jam jam.. and by the time i reach school, it about the same time if i took train -_- argh!
(but uncle brought me pass a place when he went zig zag.. i wonder if its a sign to tell me to trust and believe.. or to remind me what t.a.b had done to me tt day..)
anyway.. reached the lesson 15mins late.. and i think there's only 10+ pple in the lecture hall, with all my group mates later than me -_-' !@#$%
shouldn't have cab! ya i can't get over the very expensive cab fee =S

my presentation was quite bad in my opinion =X
after the presentation comes a time where i will like to take out my phone and go.. "swswswsw! :( " and "aunty............." with a zillon dots..
but i did none of it.. just told myself tt everything's going to be alright..

day cont' with a bad aura.. lol. took bus back and ended up at the interchange when i woke up from sleep lol. luckily i took 52 instead of 74. if i took 74 i'll end up in hougang by the time i reach the interchange =/.
then i remembered that i didn't bring my keys coz i gave up finding it in the morning.. and there's no one at home.. went to find mummy to get the keys.. -_-. back home, close my eyes for some shut time.. and the next moment i know.. its 10pm! seriously.. today's a crappy day. haiz.

with a whole stack of notes yet to study for sat's test.. need to bind all the notes soon le.. haiz. bind notes ar..
was still debating with myself with some stuff.. haiz. i dunno.. nobody will care i guess. but still.. should i?
guess i'll just send and see if anyone reply ba..

only realised that today's IT fair again.. lapse 2 IT fairs.. there's a part of me that still thought that this it fair will be alright.. guess i'm wrong again..

this is really a crap entry to mark a crap day. lol. the words, sentences don't link lol.
there's some more meaningful stuff that i'll like to blog about.. but today's just not the day..
horrible crappy mood.. guess that being hungry right now adds on to the crappiness..
argh.

not sure what am i doing up so late..
just have an empty feeling that nothing's real, just felt that things going to end soon..
we shall see..

when the day comes, who will be there..
will you?

its 3108 today.
its the first run... 2 yrs ago.

see a notice that this year's run should be coming soon le..
hmm. anymore polaroids..?

first day back in school after a short break..
horrible headache to mark today..
presentation, test, a group proj and another essay coming up.
hmm. 将又会是自己一个人做战...

as life's changing as always.. everything's going to drift apart i guess..
only one who's trying to keep things together can't achieve anything..
haix.

羡慕别人的being together, planning things to look forward to together..
we once had it too..