dunno what i've been doing the last few days..
everything just don't feel right anymore..
even the happy moments pass so fast.. haiz.
life.

one's gone.. and i'll be strong when the second one's gone..
nothing's forever..

argh. forget to take panadol before sleeping.. and well woke up chattering and shivering. .
going to be a stay-in project day.. haiz. hopefully everything get better soon..

argh! Fever caught me again.. =/ another sucky thing to add on to the list.. must be the weather these days.. 忽冷忽热.. was doing my work halfway and suddenly felt very cold.. thought it will get better.. but next thing i know i'm running a fever. argh. panadol, nap, got better.. abit.

woke up.. saw something that made me goes 'hmm...'
looks familiar.. checked my previous entry.. indeed..
but guess my words screwed me again? haiz.
at that moment was more irritated at school stuff.. early morning with all the argh.
on com and was just ranting in general.. now read.. hmm.. words can be seen differently after sometimes.. never realise that it can link and mean several things..
unless my subconscious screw me up someway..

haiz. just another screw up with words and me ba.. tsk. and that's the prob with words as 1 way communication.. there's no way to clarify things immediately..
face to face at least you'll know when something went wrong immediately.. and could try to rectify.. over other medium only way is to guess.. and for my case.. the result is always bad =/

i think i should seriously stop continuing typing.. haha. the more i type, the more i dunno where i'm heading.. and i guess the worse things will get. ah.. nvm. getting drowsy.. words get screwed when i'm awake.. now half asleep i shall just stop lol.

more projects to tackle tml. time to be politically correct.. its only the start and i can't wait for everything to be over..

'On this day of your life, Hong Jin, we believe God wants you to know ... that it's important to be gentle with yourself.
Treat yourself as you would treat your dearest friend. Be kind to yourself. Be supportive.'

lol. similar to the 'Follow the advices that you will give to others' that i've mentioned few entries ago.. haha. shall be good and drink more water, eat and worry less.. lol. life is full of screw ups and there's many things not within our control.. jiayou ba!

things don't matter anymore..
another part of me let go..
well done?

life's horrible since the start of this week.. haiz. and its only tuesday now. :(
see all the assignments stacking up.. all going to be due after CNY.
CNY coming.. room still messy.. all the work stacking.. haiz.
dislike the first sem of the year.. projects always clash with cny.. tsk. but well.. already been surviving for 2 sems like this.. its the last one le!
when others want to find fault with something.. they'll managed to find a bone in the egg.. haha. 鸡蛋里挑骨头.. well.. take it as a feedback, take it as a learning point.. when there's no one to guide us, criticism is another form of guidance ba.. no point getting affected by it.. afterall i know where is that coming from..

recently realised.. whenever someone mentioned something bout the past, i'll always jump to defend.. guess she had already noticed it.. lol. well.. since i realised, gotta stop the habit.. afterall its just another thing of the past..

when the going get tough, the tough get going..

been a happening weekend.. a tiring one too..

a POP after 6 years.. haha.
the first time i'm as a coordinator.. and its with Mdm.. lol.
lao le.. 想想当年we're the youngest in the POP comm.. and now we're the eldest there..
finally managed to push for another POP after all these years and i'll say the parade itself was a success with all the time constraint.
well.. not much thanks to the committee though.. numerous heart attacks.. =/
and as such extra greater effort of those working.. and of cos the chair and vice =)

doing the videos brought back lots of memories..
well not the course memories, that only came after completing the whole video and while watching it with the trainees.. mission successful in collecting tears! haha.
memories during that night while making the video came from memories of the previous years.. and i realised.. its 2 years ago.. how time flies..
and staying up late reminded me of that night last year.. lol. (haha i can just imagine curses and swears.. and perhaps being super glad that no longer need to do such things.. lol)
hmm.. completed all my R over there. time to see how..
well.. of cos there's always corps stuff to settle.. lol

today's family day.. :)
my 2 boys never failed to make the day.. :) hug them more before they get too old for hugs lol.
they're growing up too fast! just like us lol.

its 240111.. it marked something 1 year ago.. and indeed it marked till now..
250110 marked a master reset as well.. but somehow it didn't last.. somehow somewhere i went wrong.. my bad my fault and I can't find a long enough pole anymore.. :(
yesterday.. and today there's little things mentioned and noted that just had some impact.. from both..
but well i'm happy that they've been safe and happy.. :)
i'll learn to live with what i have..
life goes on..
one day i might just find my t.h. :)

Its the last 十五 before chinese new year.. 15 more days till cny..
room in a mess.. room in boxes, boxes in room. lol.
most things i had are now in boxes in my room. only those so impt. are on display now.. whole house got repainted.. but well my room still looks the same haha. when trying to select the colours.. it reminded me of tt time..

well had my first jog this year.. first run since stand chart.. tt's more than 1 month ago.. =/ haha.
and the result of 1 month hiatus = almost dead.. =X hard time climbing the slopes and everything was at a slower pace with more effort.. the pace i'm running now is back to the days when i just started running regularly..
need to start running again..
well this is the only good thing about sch reopening.. somehow i feel like running more often when sch starts haha.
well just a side note.. sch screw up the body too.. =/ tried maintaining the sleep and wake up early routine as working days but well.. i just lack the discipline ba. and as school reopens, the odd hours of lessons, the odd hours of waking and sleeping.. results in odd hours of eating. stomach been acting up now and then again. =S
haha. saw a quote that says 'Follow the advices that you will give to others'. will always tell them.. must eat! not hungry also try eat a little bit.. drink something.. haha. but come to myself.. it just never work..
advices to myself is just not valuable enough.. it meant nothing..

well.. body is indeed getting.. =/
left ankle is argh. the slight twist on new year eve doesn't seems to be getting better.. though its seems nothing much most of the time.. not restricting movement or anything.. but the pain during run escalate during the run.. gotta bear with it..
other parts are also.. =/ haiz..
with the last pay coming in.. perhaps its time to get the parts check. haha.

haiz.. the last entry i was still talking about 'superman', and the next day off i go flying around again..
it won't have matter if nothing happened.. but.. but.. well there's always a but isn't it..
my hard disk dropped and died. i don't even noe why i brought out my com in the first place..
and.. no one cares.

went away for 30mins after i know the stuff's gone.. heart's dead that evening. wipe away the tears and need to put on the smiles like nothing's wrong. then i wondered.. if she knows the pain.. i doubt so.
angry with myself.. angry with..

the last few weeks i kept having the feeling that somethings going to happen to my hard disk.. kept telling my bro I'm going to back it up.. had even dug up the disc to burn the stuff in.. decided to back up after this sat.. but it can't even wait till then.. haiz. can't retrieve like how i did the previous time.. this time round its hardware problem unlike the software problem previously.. still got a last resort that i've read online that's said to work 60% of the time.. but once tried.. it will be really dead after that.. even if failed.. still debating with myself what's the next course of action.. haiz,

i dunno if i'll be that bless once again to retrieve everything.. there's lots of stuff in it.. haiz. the memories of how my hard disk died the previous time came flooding back to me.. things were still so clear.. and i remembered what she's told me after that..
no one to share the joy and sorrow this time round..

well.. i've learnt to live with it.. just like this time round.. though it still hurts like crap, i've learned to ignore it..
afterall.. life's too short.

too tired to read through le.. bet some points don't make any sense haha. nitez. 

sometimes i felt like superman.. an idiotic superman..

like superman..
its mostly me and me alone..
独来独往..

值得吗？i no longer know..
only 2 things hold me back..
R which i have mostly completed
and Friends.. they ask.. and its hard to say no.. even they don't ask, i see struggle.. and i'll jump in like the idiotic superman.. in i jump.. sometimes forgetting i've jumped in too many holes at the same time..

its ok if i jump and see those i've jumped in for.. what makes one felt more like an idiot was when you jump, you see them there.. and after you jump, they jump too.. just the different direction.. in you jump, out they jump..

and you thought that after jumping into so many holes for others.. when you're in a hole, they'll jump in for you too.. but we know that life's never fair..
but there's always some who will always surprise you.. those you only 'save' now and then ended the one who jumped in to save you..

and the complexity of everything kills you brain cell.. lol.
well perhaps this is a vicious cycle! haha.
brain cells dead = more idiotic = everything more complicated = more brain cells killed!

argh! i'm not making any sense.. lol.
doesn't matter.. just need a break from packing my stuff..
argh!

today.. i 'tortured' myself.. lol. took 75 after school to go to suntec..

should not have took 75 especially when i'm in the emo mood.. lol. its a nostalgic route.. brings me down memory lane literally.. passed by lots of places where it held lots of memories..

75 is the bus i took on sat during the ndp period when i went for my Saturday lectures.. the route eventually led to the city march route.. passed by esplanade, passed by padang etc. haha.

lol. nvm.

went to suntec to get what i've lost.. gave up thinking that i'll find it anymore..
was thinking whether to get something else or the same.. can't think of any others, so got back the same one but different colour.. haiz. seems that whenever i'm buying all the nice colours i like are out of stock.. =/ got a not bad one though.. :)

its like a not as bright version as the lost one.. the bluple became a blugrey? haha. well.. suits my mood today though.. lol.

well another sign to tell me.. things had change.. time to move on..

i can repeat nvm nvm non-stop but i know better..
咪星them.. 咪思the friendship i thought will last forever, 咪思the times when things come in 3s..

120111..
8 years ago..
an incident taught me that somethings are beyond our control and when others want to go, sometimes you just have to let them go.. and eventually years later it showed me that what's meant to be will be.. fate has everything planned.. when everything seems to be hopeless.. trust and believe..

8 months ago..
what i've learned 8 years ago came back to test if i've still remembered the 'lessons learned'. haha. not really.. but i eventually learned it once again.. don't know what's meant to be this time round.. and dunno what fate had planed for us.. how many years is it going to take this time round? or will we even get to know eventually? lol.

dunno.. and well since there's nothing else i think i can do anymore.. just live my life well ba haha.
t.a.b. and P!x2 haha. 

so many things i'll like to check.. but all the constraints and limitations.. haiz.
bear with it.. and pray that i'm blessed.. haha.

whee~~! i'm finally done with the new year post! haha.
and come to look at it.. its really quite long.. haha.

something i wanted to post in there but decided to separate it out..
its the first page of the gift that i've planned as xmas gifts 2010..
but eventually i stopped collating and doing it.. somewhere somehow.. i lost the faith i had to carry on..
doubt i'll ever give it and they'll never see it.. so well.. i just stop.. haha.
 maybe its just an excuse for myself ba..

But still.. New Year Wishes for You.. x2 :)
lol though its about 1 week late.. =/ haha.

credit unknown

perhaps one day when i've the faith to carry on this gift again..

HAPPY NEW YEAR! :) my first post for 2011! haha.

2011 has been not too bad till now..
there's some down point.. but there's also many up points to balance it up..
2010 is now history.. may the good memories and let the bad memories be gone..

didn't manage to do a proper entry before 2010 ended on 31st.. lol.
rushed off to have the last xingfu - billy bomber's milkshake! :)
haha.

so.. 2010.. was a year of up and down.. was being brought up high from the pits.. and then thrown back down.. even lower deeper than before.. took months to slowly struggle up again.. but looking back i guessed that things were just meant to be this way ba.. and eventually i let go of everything.. well not really.. still learning :)

if i was to choose a song for 2010 i'll say.. '哭过就好了'
哭过就好了 痛都会走的
记忆有限 所以它会淘汰坏的
失眠听歌 想念虽然苦涩
还是谢谢你让我长大了
yupyup.. thankful for everything.. and if things were meant to be.. the day will come eventually..

not sure if my changes had been good or bad.. but it had given me a new perspective to look at things..
learned not to be so 执著, learned to remind myself that everyone have their own perspective, their own life.. what meant the world to me might not meant anything to others.. i shouldn't be unhappy about it and things i've no control on.. and it of course led to the final one.. learning to let things go.. lol guess it will be a lifelong process to keep learning and reminding myself.. 2010 just help to speed up my learning process lol.

as a result, felt that i've become more independent le ba haha.. no longer just basing my decisions on them.. learning to do things alone.. though sometimes alone time is good.. but truthfully speaking.. its never as good as doing with friends.. esp. with them.. and many times, i'll just end up thinking of the past.. the memories.. but still i did take the first step to do it alone! haha. something that i won't have the courage for in the past.. haha.

ok! enough of 2010! its 2011 let's move on to new year eve.. :)

lol right now its 040111.. new year eve till now, most days had been hectic and crazy.. other times were sleeping time haha.  the above were being started on 020111 but well.. ended up sleeping on the table :P
so let's just continue with new year's eve..

so.. like mentioned above.. went out for Billy Bombers before countdown..
half day on that day.. i quite miss the joyous celebrations in uob pb.. cos at pv block 4 it felt just like any other normal day.. no festive feel.. quite a saddening sight for new year eve and when thinking that that's how the residents going to spend their new year.. like 1 resident told me before 'stay here also stay for 10+ years already.. doesn't really matter what date it is anymore..' haiz.. was thinking.. if i were to be in their position, i might not have the strength to live on.. they've shown me another aspect of life..
(just sidetrack a bit.. :P last week at work.. doing all i can for them during the last sessions i had with them.. come friday there'll be a no. of them i'll miss.. last time at work, there's only those colleagues i work with that will come to miss.. now there's so many of them.. and unlike the colleagues whom i could meet up now and then.. but it will be hard to get in to visit them..)

okok back to topic.. so after xingfu.. me and lishi went to search for the 'Great Firework' spot.. while ms tan went for.. erh hem.. dinner haha. well.. went to the usual bridge to find the usual spot.. and then.. we realised that the bridge view was blocked off by canvas! horrible. walked around trying to find good spots.. only to realise most places are being blocked.. eventually still managed to find a good spot at clifford pier..

well lets fast forward to the countdown and fireworks.. nothing interesting in between..
aunty didn't managed to rush back to join us for the fireworks..
by 11++ the pier was packed.. crowded with no space to move around..

come 0000h as we welcome 010111.. POM! POM! POM! the sky lighted up with the fireworks..
despite the crowd.. despite having friends around.. at the moment i felt that its just me and the fireworks.. the feeling of loneliness.. then i made a thousand wishes.. ok its more of a few wishes made a thousand times.. lol.
hope that 2011 will be a better year.. hope they'll be safe and happy.. wherever they are.. whatever they are doing.. and hope that i've the strength to stand alone and be happy regardless of what life gives me, not to be bothered so easily but be happy for them always..
as I made these wishes.. it just happened that the sky was filled with purple blue green fireworks.. haha..
i held back the water turning around.. lol.

so.. to make the wishes come true i've got to put in the effort..
put on a smile and enjoyed the remaining fireworks.. this year's fireworks' peak for me was not the spectacular ending at the back.. but the part with three special colours in the sky with my wishes up there.. :)

But easily said but not that easily done.. the very night itself my 'strength' was put to test.. lol.
grew very impatient at times but reminded myself.. to be happy, to be happy for them no matter what..
and well.. after finally meeting up with all.. the night ended not too bad.. :)

ok now.. its 110111 and i've yet to finish this entry and its like stuck for a long long time..
it more than 1 week since new year.. and the mood then had all been slowly dispersed and gone.. shall do a summary then.. :)

so after countdown, stay out, took the first train back.. and i've learned that train starts later on public holiday.. zzz. reached home, rushed out again.. R. and as i was rushing there, i was thinking.. finally its the last one.. but right now.. seems that things are not going good.. argh. see how things go ba..

and finally got my sleep and met up with the uob gang at night!
the usual few but its also quite amazing as we think about it.. cos we only meet up once a year.. and the only common bond we had was working together.. haha. but the bond was strong.. hard to find such colleagues ya.. lol. had the very nice ramen.. and the yearly mahjong session at Jo's place! haha. and its a repeat of last year.. cos i lost again -_- haha. cleared a mahjong craving though haha.

ok! guess that's all for the new year weekend ya? lol. come to see.. its actually not that long.. just that there's too many things to do in the first week.. clearing all the stuff at work, settling all the leftover from commitment from 2010.. and finally I'm more Free! but soon school work will be all here..
well let's just take things in stride!

may we always be safe, alive, truly happy.. where ever we are.. what ever we are doing..
may 2011 be a bless year for all of us..

I've got a half done blog entry since the first day of 2011, and a whole ton of things to do and a horrible headache every night.. and mostly ended up nodding off at the table by 12am.

work had been tiring the last few days zzz.

i'm starting to get horribly grumpy as its way past my bedtime.. and there's a still a pile of stuff undone! argh!

haiz.. there goes my first post of the year.. such an unhappy one.. shall post the 'Happy' detailed one when i finally finished it bah..

Haiz. Nitez.